Confessions on Light in Questions

I have a confession to make.

I haven't posted on this board since I introduced myself months ago, and I haven't even picked up my bible since then.

Come to think of it, I haven't picked up a bible (except that teen Bible to find the funny devotion about the cat in the microwave -- long story) to actually sit down and read it in about two years.
This thought occurred to me today. While I haven't been posting, I have been at least trying to keep up on what everybody else is posting, and contemplating that. After reading this most recent post (on John and shying away from holiness and practicing the trumpet), I figured it was about time to say something other than my name and what I do for a living.

For some reason, that line in John (and that last post, which interpreted it beautifully) struck a chord with me. It seemed to say that we shrink even further into our weird little selves when we're angry at God or the church, because God is perhaps the light and we don't want to expose ourselves in that light.

I completely agree.

My only problem is, I so rarely find that light in church... and I've discovered that the times when I'm angriest at God are when I'm somehow involved in a church.

Church and I had a bit of a falling out a while back. Okay, not a bit, pretty much a huge falling out. I tend to find God elsewhere, in unconventional places, sometimes even in sinful places.
Mountains, breezes, the black outlines of winter trees against sunsets, laughing, cursing, a good beer buzz, pedestrians smelling roses in front of sorority houses (another long story), questions... Most of all, I find God in the questions.

I find light in the questions.

Now, please understand, this is a personal prejudice of mine, and is perhaps some kind of strange neurosis... but church tends to block out the light for me. Or, perhaps a better explanation, I'm not good at looking for, finding and recieving light in church.
I don't think I hide from it...or if I do, I don't do so consciously, because it seems that I find that light in so many other places. It took me a while to discover that it wasn't God that I was angry with, it wasn't God I was falling out with, but church.

...which is maybe why I like talking about religion so much...it makes me ask questions, makes me examine myself, makes me find that light again, even if I have been hiding from it.
I hope you all find holiness in light wherever you go (even in 6x6 practice cells).

...and sorry it took me so freakin' long.